Change is inevitable? Bah! Humbug!

I recently did a study. It was all encompassing and covered all the bases – that is to say it was by me, on me for you. The scope of this study was simple; I was trying to figure out if there is any forward motion in politics ever. The normal way to do this would be to look back in the politics of the past and to task a team to study trends and what come up with a conclusive response to the question, hence proving the hypothesis. However, normal is so run of the mill and, to be honest, boring.

So, being my not normal self ,I decided to pick on the more interesting way to do this. A week ago I read the paper cover to cover and took note of all the stories playing in the political arena. There was something about election, someone somewhere had eaten racist delicacies, the fantastic four still were fighting The Hague and some dictator in the central/southern part of Africa had done something wrong.

I then proceeded to block myself from the world of politics for a week. It was pretty simple really, whenever someone started to speak of current political news I would put my fingers in my ears and start to loudly hum the tune to “Hey Jude” by the Beatles. Using my very advanced research methods I was isolated from news and current affairs for the duration of a week. Today evening I perused the online paper for the latest news. This is what I found, the fantastic four are still fighting The Hague, a dictator somewhere in south/centralAfricahas done something wrong, something about elections and someone somewhere was being accused of racism.

One thing changed though, Nairobi City Council received an ISO award. I will not even delve into that one because that will demand another 1000 words on its own. I mean, seriously! So back to my, very serious, research. Having the data, I did some thorough analysis of it, which involved looking for differences in the news. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing that changes in politics. The names and characters will change but it will be the same depressing dribble, fundamentally, week in; week out.

Based on this research I have decided to create a template for the news. The template will be followed as to the letter and all that will be changed will be the names and the dates. Reporters and writers will only be used in the case of an extraordinary story, which will mean that their services will be needed about once a year.

In light of the economy that has been crumbling and the constant typing errors in our budget, I believe that I have found a way to save the free world (you can thank me later). Think about how much money could be saved by the media houses. They wouldn’t need to pay so much money to editors and reporters – who don’t even do such a good job anyway. The news would not decrease in quality. They won’t even be any more news anchors to dash off with charismatic brass instrumentalists.

The template will not be subject to politicians though it will help them as they will know how to structure their replies. We would have no more crowds of reporters and cameramen littering the streets following the tracks of every mildly important person in the country.

What will we do with these excess numbers though? Well, seeing as writers manipulate words for a living, they could always make good politicians. Plus we are always complaining of how Kenya Power is understaffed which results in slow response to the numerous outages. Writers, being well versed in language, could always fix your transformer and perform a poem.

Vision 2030 is here and with it comes reforms. I have begun working on my template and plan to sell it to the highest bidder after which, being a writer, I will hand in my resignation and begin my career in politics.