Changing the Wind

If you’re far away enough from the violence for it to not to hurt you – does it exist?

It’s almost as if, anesthesia is an art and one that you have not only perfected, but have done so well it is now a part of you. From the onset you are dulled. You have retreated further inwards than you ever have, hoping that somehow burrowing into yourself will keep you from coming out.

You remember.

You remember the ways which is began. The ways in which you were unloved.

Then another.

Then another.

Is it possible that, perhaps, it might be happening again? You know why you never wanted this. You know why you never wanted this. It is as simple as knowing who you are. Knowing how it destroys and becomes you. Knowing the ways in which you are a tortured – dragged kicking and screaming along by time. You know all these things and yet, somehow, you keep coming back.

Again, you are here.

Again, you are here.

Writing it twice didn’t help. Ignoring it won’t either.

Even in the silence – chaos reigns.

Chaos is especially good at dominating silences. The madness filling up every corner of the room. The whispers – barely audible – keep shouting. You have heard them.

Who are you?

Who are you?

They demand an identity. They demand a list of phrases. A repertoire of sorts. Anything.

They ask repeatedly in that patient, impatient way. In that no pressure – but you have to do this right now or a million horrible things will happen to you and all the people you love way. In that soft, smiling, caring, I have no time for your bullshit, way.

Who are you?

 

I Am…

 

I Am…

 

Words are symptoms of emotions.

You don’t know what you feel anymore. Only that you once knew things and forgot.

Only that there were many ways to follow through on your swing – but only one to end the fight.Afraid to end the chaos you continue to drown in a self that neither exists – nor has ever existed. It is in this sea of nothingness that you come across your drowning self. Do you:

  1. Offer a hand of assistance,
  2. Call someone else to help,
  3. Let yourself die, or
  4. Grab some popcorn

If you’re far enough away from the violence do you drown or watch as you drown?

Sail with caution, you navigate troubled waters.

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